Chief Justice Roberts: It depends

The Onion published one of its best articles in a while this week with ‘Supreme Court Reaches Landmark ‘It Depends’ Ruling.’

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision, an uncharacteristically subdued Supreme Court ruled “it depends” in the case of Panetti v. Quarterman, leaving the issue of executing the mentally ill completely open-ended.

“If it were just us sitting around having a few beers and shooting the breeze, it would have been, like, yeah, sure, execute the mentally ill, they should have known what they had coming to them that far into the legal process,” Justice Clarence Thomas said. “But we don’t want to set some huge precedent or something. So how about this: How about if mentally ill people just stop killing people altogether? That would certainly make our jobs a whole lot easier.”

“We’re just nine justices—we don’t have all the answers to all the country’s legal problems,” Breyer added.

“A lot of these cases are really hard, and it’s comforting to know that we now have a little wiggle room,” said Justice John Paul Stevens, the oldest and longest-serving current member of the high court. “Take Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc. v. Federal Election Commission. Maybe issue ads should be able to run less than 60 days before a public official is up for reelection, if the issue is important enough. Maybe the official should be forced to comment on the matter so his constituents know where he stands. ‘It depends’ would work really well in that case.”

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote the lone dissenting opinion, in which she stated that she knew the correct decision was either yes or no, but couldn’t say which one it should be.

Its nice to see The Onion back to its funny ways. It hasn’t been funny in a while and it was getting a little crass, although the Onion News Network’s ‘Gap Unveils New ‘For Kids By Kids’ Clothing Line was pretty good. This new court story is now my second favorite The Onion article behind the glorious, glorious Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory.


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